I despise this skin that
spreads tightly over the rib cage
but is loose around the bulges of thighs and the
small cheek oranges.

it scratches over me, he said
like too little butter over too much bread,
and the heels chip off like grandfather’s house

these tiny volcanoes unravel me
they prick the softness of my insides
and joke around the pool of gray
in a loud chorus of
unpretty

I can only hope to sing louder
in a voice to overpower
but these little things know how to whisper
in the secret places.
they gnaw holes in my ear drums.

and in this bitter body,
I’m still so far away
from the complete silence.

a sexy inhalation of mucous
sings in your ear
as I sweat with a cold armpit.
Embrace me!
suck out my insides with a thin straw
and rid me of this bitter fluid
lick my lips and dance with the teeth who promise to do you no harm,
the little liars,
the crooked fence posts who ooze originality and breathe toxic gas
they shed their top coats and turn white,
pure and simple as a daisy.

Dinner In Bed

One by one
the dumplings shove into your mouth
and clog up the pipe hole

without enough room to cut the pieces down to size
I watch quietly as your face turns a pretty shade of red
(remember the poppies in your mother’s garden?)

finger-fed;
you had hours to notice the grubby thumbs
dirtied by the way I live

but you greedy little thing!

now it’s too late
as your eyes roll back in your head
and your body falls limp to the floor

I prop you back on the pillows
slide up against your neck
and grin at the mess that I have made

i've been thinking.
these past couple of weeks i've been in a situation that i realize i've been in before-
just on the opposite side.
and part of me was wishing that it never happened,
but the other part of me now knows what it feels like to be across the line and
in a way i'm thankful for it.
maybe this will make me more compassionate towards the feelings of the other.

i have to be more careful.
more aware of my actions!
because i don't want to do this to another person again.

promise colleen elisabeth?



promise.

a little over a week ago a painting of mine was stolen from the art studio.
i'm still pretty full of anger towards the person who took it.
although, I dont know who it was, so the anger just floats up into the air.

I just can't understand why someone would want to do that to someone else

knowing how much work goes into a piece of art.

i know that this is somewhat unimportant compared to other things that are going on.
but no one really understands how much this hurt me.

i'm having selfish feelings right now.

got to let them go eventually.
just not this morning.

sometimes i wonder at the smallness of things.
whether or not something i do today will matter in an hour, a month, three years.

and if it matters in this moment, is that enough?
if it feels good right now, is that okay?

to me, it usually isn't. and when i do anything impulsively i tend to want to kick myself in the teeth after i think about it.
because i will think about it.
again &again & again.

so the feeling isn't great when you begin to question your worth as a human being based on the grade you receive on a paper.

i know it's silly. i know. But that feeling really beats you up. it's not even the grade really, it's the feeling of embarrassment, of being ashamed of your thoughts not being on a high enough level. and then more shame with the comments made on the paper, because I thought some of the same things, but i didn't think they even belonged.

I just feel foolish.





happybirthday
is also on my mind.

realized something today that i should have seen a long time ago.

it won't happen again.
promising myself.

i have this heavy feeling in my chest.
and i don't know how to get rid of it.
right now- its my own fault.

maybe i will kick that door down.

salt water taffy

this heavy skin sags around the corners of my mouth
the insides of my thighs, underneath my breasts,
it weighs pure flesh pounds
and pools around my ankles

with the crack of a sick grin
his fingers prod me, molding the putty with his round tips
letting it slide from palm to palm
greased from the salty condensation of sweat

stretching and pulling, he tries to find the white light inside
beyond the creases through the gaping hole
but the way is barred with shiny teeth
and waves of the tinted organ


wrote this early a.m.
had too much gin.
poetry professor says not to use -ing verbs.
i always do.

(t.w. this is not the poem for you)

i went by a deer on the side of the road.
it's skull was cracked center from ear to ear.
usually their cause of death isn't so apparent,
internally bleeding or something i don't understand.
but this was clear.

i wanted to throw up.

imsofuckingimpulsive
imsoafraidofeverything

today i am crying about everything.

someone that i did not know.
photographs.
letters.
the end of things.



we are celebrating william's 9th birthday today.

what do you say to someone who is going through something hard and you are distanced from it. what is there to say?

its this whole moving on thing we all do. stop, think about it for a minute, continue.
because if everything made us feel weak in the knees, we couldn't ever stand up straight again.

i feel like this cold heartless thing.

the history boys.

so. it's called subjunctive history. full of ifs.
actions we take or do not take are circumstantial and depending on the specific moment, the specific way we feel, the specific shape our body may be in, affects everything.
sometimes i can pick it out, when these things happen. most often not.
but when i think about them they form a nonstop reeling through my mind.

rewind, replay, new ending.

do you ever feel like everything is pulling you in a million different directions.
so you look for something (anything) to hold you together in one place.
a book, a project, a song, or someone.

but it doesn't work.
it doesn't ever work.

my body has been exhausted for the past four days, my thighs wouldn't move right and when my body doesn't feel right, neither does my head.

so i'm off balance and to do these spins you have to first slide into second position, Plié, push and get your foot to your knee, and stay there- back straight and weight centered.





I was trying so hard to cry the other night. so hard that I just started to laugh.

my teeth are also not aligned.