don't lose yourself.
because in this you can. it's easy?
and what is yourself anyway?
being with someone else?
no.
it's the spill on the floor.
it's the smoke on your lips.
it's the period.
it's the dream you had last night.
it's the every day that you go through because
you think you will make some sort of difference.
it's the subway and looking at other people (imagined).
it's the writing.
it's the IMAGINED, the dreams.
it's the beauty, even though every thing seems ugly and disgusting.
it's you, even though it's not real.

it's doing this,
every day.
even if it's painful.
because,
it's worth it.

i know it has to be.

(new order- your silent face)

edit:
I;m really horrible.
i need to do everyone a favor and
keep my mouth shut sometimes
or see:
all of the time

i have cramps.
no excuses.
last night.
no excuses.
seriously.
get it together, girl.

this is an awful photograph,
but it's the first figure study
I've done for watercolour this semester.
(see it a tiny bit better at
http://www.flickr.com/photos/cievenn)

i'm embarrassed,
and extremely tired.

(i can't believe
how dramatic i can be
sometimes. i don't know
which is actually C.)

the suppression of emotion erupts.
that's a fine word,
ERUPTION.
RUPTURE.
i just looked up
eruption
and
'eruption of teeth' came up-
that makes me feel sort of ill,
but kind of a beautiful simple phrase.