i used to think i knew what i wanted, but that was when i thought there was a 'you.' And that whole feeling took over my body and my mind and for weeks straight it was all i could think of.

and even though it stirred something inside of me, it just doesn't seem so important as it did then. i don't ache for it or even really think so much about it. maybe this is my fault, maybe things just happen. Fannie price says ' it could have happened any other way, but it didnt.'

but now, it's worth a fight to figure out what really is important. And although i may feel clumsy,awkward, and ugly about it, hopefully I can have faith in me, people, and god enough to figure this damned thing out.

and on the way, fix myself up a bit.

xoxo.
c

but if it were exactly what & where i wanted to be,
we would be near the ocean.

everything is not perfect.

i read a book and the author talks about how our 'self' does not exist on it's own- it exists only through our relationships.

i miss you.

and my camera is broken, "shattered like a window," kate said.

i feel like i used to have a spark. Some thing that was mine and mine alone that grew inside me and built me up.


i don't think i have it anymore.


today while walking in the city i saw a black old man with brilliantly white hair and beard, a cap, and amputated legs in an electric wheelchair with a white middle aged woman riding on the platform on the back. it was oddly heartwarming, until she cursed at a driver turning right who was paying no attention to them as they zoomed across the street.