it's a quiet day.
raining softly. i wanted to say the rain seems smaller today. i feel small today.
a whisper of an afternoon.
you know when you don't feel like you could possibly laugh,
and when you do it's surprising and doesnt seem like it belongs to you.

i think part of the reason why i don't like coming back to school
is that it somehow tends to make me feel inadequate. points out the flaws that i have and makes the ones i already knew i had seem more pronounced. it's frustrating and self-absorbed, but not a hollow feeling, which in a way is better i guess. it's not nothing.

but it's also good to be back.
here in this house
with the girls that were sorely missed when i was back at home.
and i do learn something new every day even if it cant be expressed in words.
every single person can teach you something
i honestly believe that
even if it's how not to be an asshole.

i teach my first class tomorrow.

the Housesit.

"come over to my house"
"your house or the house-sit house?"
"my house!"
"the one on linden?"
"yes."
"that's not your house"
(( it is right now))


The room i stayed in and (above above) the hallway leading up to it.

this is juante. he kept me company for two of the days i was at the house. we talked in British accents, tried to do wheelies, and ate peanut butter and jelly together. I told him he would be a heart breaker when he was older, and i know he will be. he seemed to think the opposite though.


I'm not sure why I didn't take a photograph of the house. it was beautiful and the backyard smelled like my grandparent's house in chicago. I made dinner and breakfast either alone or with justin or tim with different ingrediants from the garden (basil,tomatoes) and we always ate on the porch. I spent a lot of time on the porch watching people walk by (that's how i met Juante) and reading.

I rode my bike around the city too, and i wish i could do that always.
everything is so close.

&
yesterday
the sky was on fire.

read this.

"what is the what" by dave eggers
is absolutely amazing & heartbreaking-
it's one of those where it's so hard to believe
because of how safe we are here- so disconnected from
war and yet we know it's all true.

the novel is about Valentino Achak Deng's life during the war in sudan as a young boy and the group of boys he traveled with across sudan to ethiopia
(called the Lost boys)

this website talks about eggers' trip to sudan with
Valentino Achak Deng among other things
(also all of the proceeds of the book go to a foundation in Sudan
to help provide educational opportunities)

http://www.valentinoachakdeng.org/blog/?p=37


also, coincidentally, i watched a documentary on some of the
children that were abducted by the rebel forces in sudan and forced to join.
the stories were horrific, and the children were so strong.
there was this one really beautiful part where the
youngest of the boys they were following in the documentary started singing a hymn
that he had learned from other prisoners. i couldn't stop crying. i wanted to grab him and kiss him on the forehead and never let go.



we have no idea. we can never fully understand.