goodbye yellow.

any of you who have seen my bedroom would have found this hard
to believe if i hadn't taken a photograph.


and hello other home.
and ella rose ( bro & company came over)




and sleeping in a room i painted when i was 12.

the lights went out today for a few hours.
it's funny when no electricity is a novelty.
i sat and read by the daylight.
when it got too dark
i sat and looked out the window.
i thought about writing down how i was
feeling, but instead i just thought it.
more often than not i don't write it down
i just create sentences in my head of what it is, how things are,
how i think they should be (obviously imagined)
but then i think, this is how everything should be.
i have gotten over a few things in the past
days here mostly alone.
i have crossed things out and marked them off my list.

i stepped on a snail today.
i was singing walking in the parking lot
and heard a crunch.
i smashed a snail,
and wanted to throw up.

how to not smoke a pack a day when you are spending every day by yourself.

dance.


make dinner (homemade soup & croutons!)


fall in love with billie piper.


stick them in your mailbox so
you have to walk outside to get them.


adopt another persona.
one which doesn't have bad habits
and finds pleasure in cleaning her bedroom.

read my journal tonight (this is from two years ago).
bizarre because the words remind me of how i felt,
but i don't feel it anymore.
so many things have happened.

cried over reality television.
drinking pbr because its cheap
and i didn't get denied for an expired license.

really wonderfully warm today.

getting sent the lives of new york city,
in a small town.

am not supposed to talk.

i took a walk today (its 88 degrees in geneseo), for the past two
i've pretty much shut myself up in my house.
the town does become ghost like when the students leave.

i walked by the normal places,
and i think i've written about this before
but all of the things we've done- I can still see us doing it,
as if i'm watching a movie clip over and over.
we'll be there, and we will always be there.
on the porch, on the roof, sitting on the benches.
i feel sad, yes, but I also feel some sort of relief.
catharsis.

I will probably read for awhile and then watch eight movies
to pass the time.

so.
all my women have gone,
and i have a complete cry face,
red cheeks, red eyes.
it's hard to stop,
even though i know i will see them.
it's just an end of one thing,
but it hurts nevertheless.

i did complain. again and again.
but ultimately, like we talked about,
i will never be in a place like this again.

i'm drinking wine tonight,
watching a movie, and
making soup even though its too hot,
because the smell of onions makes me feel ok,
although i will most definitely cry over those too.

i get it.
i get it.
no.
no. no.
but why?
no.
i get it.

colleen one: what are you doing?
c-2: uhh, umm, taking pictures of myself?
c-1: shouldn't you be doing something more productive?
c-2: uhh, umm.
c-1: you're a tool.
c-2: i know.
c-3: im a zombie and will eat your organs.


c-3.


tool.

writing/revising a fiction piece is akin to sticking needles in my eye.

birds are singing.
I'm awake.

f.m. organs- C. pustulka

reign yourself in girl!
do some work!
smoke less cigarettes!
clean your apartment!
stop having ridiculous conversations in
your own head!
stop thinking about your pillows and blankets!
just do it.

((AND NO HOVERING!))

nothing was figured out tonight.

everything makes me cry.

whatev.

simply
slowly

your hand is just another
fuck in this wild eyed mountain

if I could scream I would take my vocal chords
stretch them across the water
& sing into spilled disinterests

and yet,
I WISH!

but the letters are cold
and ugly in their angles

every piece is soaked thin
and if I squeezed it out
only small whimpers would
sink to your skinny finger
wrapped in mine

remember?

Not you.
NOT YOU.
yes.
yes!
you.

i actually love doing (certain) work.
even though part of me hates it.
I'm going to have to join a book club
or something.

today was the last day of classes.
celebrate?
no.
sit in my house
listening to sad music
and writing about
ERASURE.
BRILLIANT!
I CANT WAIT
TO READ
EVERYDAY.
I'M ALSO READING
THE LAST SAMURAI.
(so wait,
no homework. reading.
in the sun.
i'm ok with this.
but I'll miss a lot
specifically certain teachers
and my yellow house ((home will be odd after all of this time))
but I still have three
weeks here, two of which will be ALONE!)