sometimes i wonder at the smallness of things.
whether or not something i do today will matter in an hour, a month, three years.

and if it matters in this moment, is that enough?
if it feels good right now, is that okay?

to me, it usually isn't. and when i do anything impulsively i tend to want to kick myself in the teeth after i think about it.
because i will think about it.
again &again & again.

so the feeling isn't great when you begin to question your worth as a human being based on the grade you receive on a paper.

i know it's silly. i know. But that feeling really beats you up. it's not even the grade really, it's the feeling of embarrassment, of being ashamed of your thoughts not being on a high enough level. and then more shame with the comments made on the paper, because I thought some of the same things, but i didn't think they even belonged.

I just feel foolish.





happybirthday
is also on my mind.