i feel sick.
i keep pacing around the house trying to think about what's going on
and every one is swirling around in my head. a huge mess.

you know when you are hurt by someone and feel like your being broken down into little pieces,
then realize you have done the exact same thing to someone else.

or when you convince yourself it's not you that's making things fall apart
but the other, and then suddenly somehow see it from their perspective and think
how it's so much more your fault than theirs.


and in that moment when you acknowledge this
when that flash of realization comes,

your heart stops.

so. as of today I'm watching a little boy named Will every monday & wednesday for the rest of the summer. He seems like a typical five year old. loves action figures, video games, and being outside. I think this is the perfect type of job for me (especially growing up with a nephew) and I feel pretty great about it.

i also rode my bike 11 miles today.

i don't know how to explain anything else that's going on in only a few words.
i think he might have said, "why do you have to make everything so complicated?"
but maybe i said that.

or possibly it was just a dream.

attic show.

Dasha played in Syracuse the other night.
everyone was friendly and seemed like they actually wanted to be there.
it was hot and we were all shaky from too much coffee and drenched in sweat by the time we finished playing. but it was so close to perfect.

wish this could happen more often.

i feel pretty okay right now.
i'm trying to let the high from this show keep me going at least for a few days, ie: sun--------------------->wed. or thursday.

there are things i need to do.

1)drink more rums & cokes
2) find a job
3) sell old and too sexy clothes
4) 'unholy mess of a girl '= laundry
5) paint anything.
6) dream about being pippi longstocking ( chk.)
7) finish dasha song-'how do we get out of this place?'
8) try not to lose my mind. or rather, hold on tight to little pieces of it.
9) blend orange juice with ice and drink it. possibly add champagne.
etc.
etc.