read this.

"what is the what" by dave eggers
is absolutely amazing & heartbreaking-
it's one of those where it's so hard to believe
because of how safe we are here- so disconnected from
war and yet we know it's all true.

the novel is about Valentino Achak Deng's life during the war in sudan as a young boy and the group of boys he traveled with across sudan to ethiopia
(called the Lost boys)

this website talks about eggers' trip to sudan with
Valentino Achak Deng among other things
(also all of the proceeds of the book go to a foundation in Sudan
to help provide educational opportunities)

http://www.valentinoachakdeng.org/blog/?p=37


also, coincidentally, i watched a documentary on some of the
children that were abducted by the rebel forces in sudan and forced to join.
the stories were horrific, and the children were so strong.
there was this one really beautiful part where the
youngest of the boys they were following in the documentary started singing a hymn
that he had learned from other prisoners. i couldn't stop crying. i wanted to grab him and kiss him on the forehead and never let go.



we have no idea. we can never fully understand.

the house-sit.

good.

quiet & slow with getting up early
sitting on the front porch in the sun
and mostly being alone.
making dinner with tomatoes from the garden.
riding the bike around the city
and walking the dog through mount hope cemetery.
"what is the what" by dave eggers.


not-so-good-but-we-move-on.

the dog ate the crotch out of
a pair of underwear and my bathing suit
(she has anxiety issues).
and tim confirmed my thoughts about how the
upstairs hallway looks like it was in 'the shining'.

these two.

jana & diane.
i have this intense anxious feeling that has settled itself in my thighs and the bottom of my stomach. and it gets worse when i lie in my bed and allow myself to think.

washington d.c. in short:
it took 8 hours to drive there. it was a rather pretty drive. the windows were down and it was over 95 degrees in the car most of the ride.
we stayed at trinity college, in small dorm like rooms with couch-beds. not to be rude, but i can't imagine this being a home for a year or longer for the students who attend. anyone would or could go insane staring at the wall. the campus was very nice though, with old stone buildings and everything was very green.
here we are eating at a mexican restaurant (the first night). we were told it was very close to a metro stop, but then found out (through experience) that it was actually a 45 minute walk away. fiona and I walked a little ahead of the group and talked about many things. we were all very sweaty by the time we arrived and drank loads of water.
the food was very good, but for some reason made me sick to my stomach. i threw up twice.
emily and alicia are in this photograph. we got to know them over the trip. really nice & pretty ladies. they go to school with us in geneseo.


we also went to this cafe/ book store that looked incredibly small from the outside but was actually very large when you walked through to the back. we were seated directly behind a man who played guitar and sang cover songs and we ate a very interesting dessert of pear and cinnamon ice cream. our legs stuck to the seats. it was very warm in there. winston, you would have liked this place, in a watch people sort of way.

( waiting for the metro.)

we also went to the portrait gallery, which was very cool too. some of our favorites were l.l. cool j,
gertrude stein, f. scott fitzgerald, and the modern art section.


skip ahead a little bit and we decided to part ways. two went to George town, one went to her sisters, and the other three took a metro to the Mall, where we looked at the monuments late at night. fiona was determined to be in the presence of abe, so we walked a good distance in order to say hello.

(fiona and emily with abe.)

so. in between all of these little outings, we attended a peace conference.which consisted of panels and little lectures based around the situations in Iran, Iraq etc. Oil, and our government. some of them were incredibly interesting- especially, i thought, the woman who spoke about Iran and the connections to the oil companies in the United States and the way in which our government tries to 'secure' the oil supply in order to maintain control and make billions in profits (see: war in Iraq and movements towards Iran). our government, as it stands, makes decisions in order to pander to these companies (since many in the bush administration are connected to these companies, they make a profit as well). these are things i guess i already knew in a way, but it helped to have it repeated and confirmed with statistics.

this makes it all the more pressing to get candidates into the house/senate that do not support these types of policies. it's devastating that we have a government (the administration) that does not care about it's people, or honestly, any other people either. so vote & tells others to as well- and get them out of there.

so. the ride home was pretty and dangerous. it was raining hard at times, but the hills were steaming and the wind was carrying the fog up into the sky. home safe.

xo.
c

i often feel like my body is rejecting itself.
the sick to my stomach after eating.
my skin looking really terrible.
& awkward proportions.

i long for another swim
where i feel light
and clean.

today the little boy i babysit was trying to take apart a toy and he pulled too hard and it hit him hard in the lip.
he got frustrated and embarrassed at first and asked me if i would leave the room. in a few minutes he got over it but still wouldn't really talk to me so i said
"will, are you okay? why aren't you talking to me?"
"you let me get hurt."
"will, i didn't mean for you to get hurt. I would never want you to get hurt."
"you should have said, Will don't play with this toy, you might get hurt!"

(i wished i had that ability to see the consequences ahead of time)


i don't like feeling like im not in control
of my emotions or my body.
i'm not accustomed to this.
things are happening.
im watching them happen-
every one enter and exit.


i'm eating terribly.
and i'll probably only drink water if you set a glass
down right in front of me.
but i'm becoming friends with a four-year-old
seeing some interesting people at the voa
and i talked on the phone (for longer than 30 minutes) for the first time
in a very long time and tony told me to try and open up,
even if it's hard.
i might work on that.

the last ice cube.

addition:
i read this thing.
it said.
"i don't want to want"
and that's it.
exactly.