some boy just walked up to me and said, "beth?"
so here i am,

a new girl.
although i already owned that name a little bit to begin with.

a lot of frustration today.
nothing i can't handle.

just breathe in and out.
count to 12.

I know I ought to love you - Selima Hill

I know I ought to love you
But it’s hopeless.
Screaming is the best I can do.
I scream at you for such a long time
that even when I stop the scream goes on.
It screams between us like a frozen street
with stiff exhausted birds embedded in it.


The yellow house is mine for sure.
apartment number one.

i'll be home around the 16th.

one year ago,

I claimed I was in a box [ ]
(never opened, kept shut because I wanted it to be closed)

then there were months in between of Falling In and Out of, and also lots of quiet and alone and then some white sheets and a little water and a bit of sleeping on the floor and being spoken to in french while completeing full circles (but not until just lately,) singing in and never playing out, being afraid and not being afraid of spiders and lying, lying, and being lied to. feeling helpless and being inspired in little bits and pieces, falling apart and being put back together.
thats not even close to everything , if anything.



and then there is now.


0 (last year)

0 (now)

(one year from now ) 0

we have no idea what's really going on in other people's lives;
everyone has secrets.

zombie lady's just trying to get her head on straight.

going through the motions, going through the motions.

love her or leave her!
love me or leave me alone.

and all of a sudden this huge horrible feeling just settled in my stomach.
oh god, i really hope it isnt like this tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow.

where;s my screaming room?
where;s my spot to just stop and thinkg.

i dont have it here.

was i that obvious?
i'm a stupid girl.

this morning i was up at 7:15 and everything was quiet, i sat down on the auditorium steps and the thunder rolled and the lightning flashed, but only once.
i miss laughing.

i'm coming home this weeked, but it doesn't make much of a difference. just in directions.
i guess i'll go to the bay, and see the irondequoit house.
and look for a hooded sweatshirt because i've given mine all away.

and sit on the porch.
oh and get apple cider from the farm market down the street.

so i almost slipped down the stairs twice today, but i don't really mind, because even if i fell i think it would have woken me up a little. These last few days ive just been going through the motions, taking more showers, and eating badly. my rib still hurts from forgetting to push mybreaks (where was my head?) and accidentally running into the wall. Really i am amazed at how my body and my head don't match up some (most) of the time.

You know that feeling that shoots through your body when you bite tinfoil?
i just felt like that now,
and i did on saturday too.

my days feel so long, and i am alone in my room this weekend.
i need a notebook to write down things i hear other people say or for what i see, because i can hardly even remember yesterday unless i tell myself to.

i have a sunflower (shared.)
public market tomorrow afternoon.
the bus is free from here to rochester.

wants:
notebook, red peppers, better singing voice, to stop biting my nails because it hurts my teeth, musical instruments, to not feel llike i mess up all the time, to fall in love, to know why things happen (like science,) to be alone, to know when to stop talking, a healthy plant on my windowsill, to get an A in biology, to hug you really tight and say everything will be okay.

needs:
blankets
these boys who write songs that i listen to at night
"A History of Love"
toothbrush
coffee

i have a slight to major complex.
i'd sink right to the bottom of the lake.

i feel so drained right now.
it's not really the work, but the content, and i feel like i have a heavy weight on my shoulders.
and whats more is i feel like i never have the right words, because most of the time i dont even know what ideas i have behind them. ( its empty talk, just air.)

it bothers me that i didnt capitalize those t's but i'm too tired.

a bee was crawling on my wrist today.

know better next time.
(I should know by now)

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go
outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens,
nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should
be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of
nature. As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that
then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the
circumstances may be. And I firmly believe that nature brings
solace in all troubles.
- Anne Frank

http://www.bsrlive.com/archives/show.php?s=100

(a radio station in rhode island has bands call in and play music over the phone. it's really beautiful, the quality and hearing them speak. Tim played (8/31/06) and that's how i know about it. i'm listening to karl blau now.)

dear hiphop show at powder mills park,
i wish i was at you.
love, colleen.

p.s. this feeling is not a great one.

"Communication depends on the basic convention that participants are cooperating with one another, and that, therefore, what one person says to the other is likely to be relevant." pg 25 of Literary Theory: A Very Short Introduction

So if i was to say, "do you like me?"
and you said, "the air feels heavier inbetween breaths."
and then i replied, " but the canaries are beautiful."
and you whispered "colleen, I only dance on wednesdays."

that wouldnt be communicating...

I just realized I already began moving again, like I predicted I would.

vee's birthday dance.

vee's birthday dance.
Originally uploaded by cievenn.

she turned 19 yesterday and we went off to the bug jar to celebrate after some icecream cones. I think dancing to celebrate was perfect.

(its my favorite thing to do, honestly. other than the wind at the pier which i miss and let's hope it keeps getting colder, because leaving my window wide open with a comforter couldn't be better.)

school starts in one week. and i met my roomate tonight! she is seventeen, cute, and very friendly. i think we will get along really fine and so i feel good about this school thing...here i come. right?

timing!
things will be okay.
because sunday is ME day!

and i have to start cleaning up this mess of a room, finish watching pride & prejudice & invite a girl over tomorrow to look through my giveaway clothes.

p.s. i actually have liked going o-u-t these past few days. you people! (i like you.) yesterday was nice seeing new & old familiar faces.

doubleP.s. The a/v space is having a garage sale early september. And about two months ago i asked Joe if i could set up a sale there, and he said NO. and now he is having his own.

he didn't even say 'thanks for the idea girrrrl.'

i used to think i knew what i wanted, but that was when i thought there was a 'you.' And that whole feeling took over my body and my mind and for weeks straight it was all i could think of.

and even though it stirred something inside of me, it just doesn't seem so important as it did then. i don't ache for it or even really think so much about it. maybe this is my fault, maybe things just happen. Fannie price says ' it could have happened any other way, but it didnt.'

but now, it's worth a fight to figure out what really is important. And although i may feel clumsy,awkward, and ugly about it, hopefully I can have faith in me, people, and god enough to figure this damned thing out.

and on the way, fix myself up a bit.

xoxo.
c

but if it were exactly what & where i wanted to be,
we would be near the ocean.

everything is not perfect.

i read a book and the author talks about how our 'self' does not exist on it's own- it exists only through our relationships.

i miss you.

and my camera is broken, "shattered like a window," kate said.

i feel like i used to have a spark. Some thing that was mine and mine alone that grew inside me and built me up.


i don't think i have it anymore.


today while walking in the city i saw a black old man with brilliantly white hair and beard, a cap, and amputated legs in an electric wheelchair with a white middle aged woman riding on the platform on the back. it was oddly heartwarming, until she cursed at a driver turning right who was paying no attention to them as they zoomed across the street.

What if everytime we thought of a question we wanted answered we had to pick up a stone. Not as punishment, but as a reminder, and upon finding the answer we could cast it away.

what i originally wanted to say was If 'i dont knows' were a physical force (like gravity), i would be crawling.
actually no,
i wanted to say:
ie ie ie, i can't sit here anymore and try to write out what i wanted to say, it's just not coming.


so goodnight moon, and if you need me, me and neil'll will be hangin' out with the dream king.

june

i've been craving peanut butter lately.
and i'd almost rather it would be 'no' than 'lemme think about it' in the simplest of terms, because my head is having a hard time with the maybes (this statement is precisely opposite of how i have acted in the past in certain situations, so maybe now i know how hurtful/frustrating/lonely 'uncertains' feel- i just realized this while i was washing my face with barsoap, and i can start to change this, right?.)

this is it, what do we do?

Aries (march 21st- april 19th)

You probably feel a lack of guidance. You're dealing with the sort of person who'd throw a drowning man both ends of a rope. Fill in the blanks with your imagination, and you're brilliant.

actually this isn't nonsense.
fill in the blanks, the missing spaces.
and i am absolutely positive it would be brilliancy in a bottle.
but where to find those [space fillers.]
come on c.e.v.

oh creaky steps and mint leaves.
tomorrow!tomorrow!tomorrow!
(i'm there)

sometimes i feel like the biggest idiot over something so small that no one would probably even notice.
it's just when you should know better, but somehow you still succeed in not (knowing) and whaddya think- is sharing phrases just as romantic as sharing clothes?
there's just something about stealing words.
but that can never replace the smell of someone else on your skin.

xoxo nomi.
for some reason i keep saying Noma.
it's with an i, stupid.

imma bore-on moron.

so we make those lists that spell out what we need to do in the future, and i'm saying it's pointless for me to write 'fix your life up a little bit.' because everytime i look at it i will think 'can't cross that off my list.'

but if i write:
'wake up in the morning'
'sew that shirt up'
'think about someone'

then yeah, i can handle that- i can strike it through.

you know when you're trying really hard to feel good about just laying in bed for hours but then get the urge to go rifling through a closet and see what you can find. Maybe you're looking for a pair of red high heels, or maybe just looking for a large old shirt you can get into and just feel right. so anyway youre looking and you stumble upon some old photographs and they are of you and your sister when you were about 4 & 6 or maybe they are of your grandparents that passed away, or your cousin. And the three of you (sister, you, cousin) are grinning from ear to ear with red cheeks because you had just been in the snow.

and all of these photographs don't necessarily bring back memories but they bring on this feeling of calm and quiet Being.

kind of in awe of just being here, and kindof thinking that i'm a little bit lost.

hey magnolias, im in love with you.

i can feel this frustration building up inside my chest right now but i am still thankful that i feel for the most part fine and that my bodys working.
i got out last night and danced under florescent lights and felt good.

this older couple was sitting across the restaurant from me. The man filled the coffee mugs and began to carefully bring them to the table without spilling, walking slowly, keeping his eyes down.

When i glanced over there a bit later, they were both just about to sip out of their mugs. With their arms and lips perfectly in sync with each other it looked like if they had been a foot or two closer they would have been kissing.

instead they just sipped quietly and did not touch.

i feel heavy right now.
do you ever feel that way? when youre confused or upset with yourself or someone or knowing that someone you care about is really leaving or wanting to help someone so badly, but you can't decide if it's your place or not, and seriously wondering what to do with yourself because this supposed purpose isnt unfolding?- there is just this physical heavyness that makes my head hang and my shoulders feel like dropping.

Originally uploaded by cievenn.

the little boy and i did this last saturday when the pavement felt hot under our feet and the backs of our necks got a little sunburned.

my skin tastes like salt.

hold hands.

cievenn.

[disrupted thought]although being alone was something in itself.

i went out in the rain today with my arms out and my face up.
with images of could be's.

piss off.

blankets warm the outside layer of our bodies, and showers from inside out.
so i decided to take one this afternoon because i was wearing a big blue sweatshirt and still couldnt feel my insides heating up.
so i turn on the shower and get in after a few minutes expecting steam and thicker air.
but what i got was luke warm/cool water and hardly any water pressure.

so after a few minutes thinking it just hadnt had enough time to really heat up (after years of having cars that are warm enough only right when you get to the destination), i shut it off really quickly thinking that if i turn it on really fast, maybe a burst of hot will shoot out and make these last few minuntes of icecubebody be worth it (kind of like the hiccup theory, right? SCARE. oh they are gone....never works.)

didnt work.
so i shut it off and got my towel and wrapped it around my body, bending down touching my chest to my legs, with the towel drapped over me.
and i thought about how, when getting out of a pool, we would count down 10-0 and dash to grab the largest towels and get into that same exact position and chatter our little teeth, and our mothers would hug us and then, even when we got warm, our bodies would still be shaking from the remebrance of the change.

checks/balances.

i was thinking about the ways we check up on each other. and i think it is either associated with:
-longing
- attraction/interest
-genuine caring for the person or
-jealousy.
but what it REALLY comes down to i think, is that by checking, the person is just wanting to find any hint of whether Girl A still thinks about them, or loves him/her in whatever way she chooses to love.

even if it's quick-pick-up-the-phone-dial-hang-up-the-person- calls-back-you-don't-pick-up.
It shows that they still care.

little messages.
websites.
phones.
in what ever way i/you choose to love.

i'm not one for correct punctuation.
wish i was (were?).
cursive f gramme(a?)r.
honestly. Did i miss that lesson?

also.
wouldnt it be great if everyone was more comfortable with saying "you are beautiful" or "what you just said was perfect." sometimes i want to send messages saying "you are pretty, do you mind if i add you as a friend so i can look at more photographs of you?" why not? faces and bodies are so interesting. can i walk up to a girl or boy and say "your lips/arms/the way you move your feet are/is perfect" without someone thinking of it as oddly sexual, but rather just observing and commenting.
but usually i say "that scarf is cute, or that shirt is nice" but really i mean "your neck looks gorgeous in that scarf, or that shirt fits your body just right and makes your eyes look very blue"
i may just fall in love with the next someone who walks up to me and says "i really like the spot between your nose and your mouth"

just a few photographs, love

so the man in the walls woke me up three times last night in order to knock five times. each in a different place.

i hate going to sleep biting yourbottom lip (but not knowing it) and waking up feeling the indentations and wondering why it stings so badly.
the sun shines here almost all of the time.
which is so nice to have on your back.
my mother always sits at the kitchen table in the morning where the sun comes in. my mother makes me coffee.

a woman once asked me if i ever went outside because of my pale skin.
we were at the doctors office.
my art teacher at syracuse wrote down little notes next to our names so she could remember who we were. colleen vasey: porcelain.

my sisters birthday party is tonight. happy birthday to her (on sunday). My sister is really intelligent. im not such a great speaker, i stumble over my words. but she is very eloquent and funny.

i like to eat advil for breakfast with some coffee on the side.
i eat megs milano cookies.

i would sometimes like to be an english teacher so i could be the teacher who doesnt embarass students in front of other kids and have them just talk about things they notice ( i know its a romantic way of viewing it, but honestly, why cant i romanticize things? how i picture it is me reaching up really high on my tiptoes, the toes are still on the ground, but my body is reaching up and out.) but i think i could do it.


i sortof wish that if i just said "i want to be reaching high on my tiptoes" someone would understand without me having to explain it.
just one person.

"so colleen, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
*stands on tiptoes and stretches*
"i know exactly what you mean"