Tuesday, October 16, 2007

so the feeling isn't great when you begin to question your worth as a human being based on the grade you receive on a paper.

i know it's silly. i know. But that feeling really beats you up. it's not even the grade really, it's the feeling of embarrassment, of being ashamed of your thoughts not being on a high enough level. and then more shame with the comments made on the paper, because I thought some of the same things, but i didn't think they even belonged.

I just feel foolish.

is also on my mind.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. I'm the harshest critic of my own writing, but a lot of that is just internalized from criticism I received from teachers in Middle School (my high school teachers thought I was great for some reason). My 7th grade english teacher/football coach, who I feared more than death, had me keep a correspondence journal with him. He asked difficult philosophical questions which I tried really hard to answer, and then he'd just basically make fun of what I'd written. Eventually he just kept the journal for a month and then handed it back to me and told me I could keep it if I wanted.

My eigth grade english teacher ridiculed my politics and essentially told me I was wasting my time. He also wrote off my interest in buddhism as not serious. One of my history teachers brutally attacked me for criticizing the invasion of Afghanistan, and another wrote a really condescending and haughty criticism of a defense of primitism that I wrote.

My main way of dealing with this sort of thing now is to either A) harshly criticize myself B) harshly criticize the teacher. It's juvenile, but it's not a concious response. I think the truth is usually somewhere in between the two.