today the little boy i babysit was trying to take apart a toy and he pulled too hard and it hit him hard in the lip.
he got frustrated and embarrassed at first and asked me if i would leave the room. in a few minutes he got over it but still wouldn't really talk to me so i said
"will, are you okay? why aren't you talking to me?"
"you let me get hurt."
"will, i didn't mean for you to get hurt. I would never want you to get hurt."
"you should have said, Will don't play with this toy, you might get hurt!"

(i wished i had that ability to see the consequences ahead of time)


i don't like feeling like im not in control
of my emotions or my body.
i'm not accustomed to this.
things are happening.
im watching them happen-
every one enter and exit.


i'm eating terribly.
and i'll probably only drink water if you set a glass
down right in front of me.
but i'm becoming friends with a four-year-old
seeing some interesting people at the voa
and i talked on the phone (for longer than 30 minutes) for the first time
in a very long time and tony told me to try and open up,
even if it's hard.
i might work on that.

the last ice cube.

addition:
i read this thing.
it said.
"i don't want to want"
and that's it.
exactly.